THE OBNOXIOUS FACTOR: What they don't tell you

     

     You can't tell me it hasn't ever happened to you.  There you are, minding your own business and suddenly you are accosted by a proud grandparent. They whip out their accordion-pleated photo collection and proceed to describe what is right in front of your eyes, as though your feeble brain cannot comprehend the gloriousness of their offspring! Perhaps you have silently vowed (as I have) never to behave so blatantly braggadociosly. If you believe you are immune to such behavior, you need to be aware that you have never been told the entire truth.  Something very important has been withheld from you your entire life.  I am going to right this wrong, remove this veil of deception, and open your eyes to the truth of a condition that is undeniable, yet remains unnamed!  (Until today)

      Perhaps I can explain this phenomenon by describing how the symptoms first occurred in my own experience. My youngest daughter just gave birth to our first grandchild this week. (By this week, I mean ALL WEEK) She was in labor for 47 hours. No, this is not a misprint...47.  That is not relevant to the story, but I believe you should know this anyway!  When our sweet little granddaughter was born, an inexplicable change began to transform my husband and me. Do not think that this condition is a result of our proximity to this perfect little creation...it is not!  Sandra and Mark live in California (that is on the left side of the map for those of you who are geographically challenged) and Steve and I live in South Carolina (that is on the right side of the map)  We have not gotten our grubby paws on our little preciousness yet. So this condition is not dependent on proximity. The first symptom of this new, un-named condition was a re-calibration of our brain's compasses.  True north became our new granddaughter. I have named this symptom "Decedent Lunacy".  So whether driving in the car, or cooking at the stove, or even selling high tech sewing-embroidery machines,  my mind begins to pull irresistibly in the direction of this new paragon of perfection.  

      The second symptom of this condition introduces involuntary movement. I call this an "Image Spasm".  I first experienced this in the most embarrassing of situations.  I was showing a sweet young customer a $2,000 sewing/embroidery machine. The picture of professionalism and education.  Suddenly, I had the most compelling urge to pull my phone out of my pocket and show this customer (a complete stranger) pictures of my granddaughter!  I was appalled, and resisted the urge.  But with the realization of an addict facing his slavery for the first time, I discovered that this condition I had observed for many years was in fact, inevitable and completely involuntary!  Finally, I laughed and apologized, confessing my ailment to her.  But deep in my heart I accepted the fact that I had transformed into the thing I was certain I would never be...and had done so in less than 24 hours (less time than my daughter's labor, I might add).

      I have moved into a new phase of the condition that morphed from acceptance to enthusiastic cooperation. This is the most dangerous phase, accounting for such disasters as   major traffic jams and grocery store tie-ups when

grandparents completely disregard their surroundings and insist on displaying the images of their offspring. This is no longer an innocent "image spasm".  This has progressed into what I like to call "Grandiose Progeny Spectacle". 

        Unless an intervention occurs, my condition is unlikely to change.  But lucky for everyone around me, my granddaughter truly is the prettiest, most brilliant child ever produced, so I'm sure no one minds!