THE GREAT SQURIREL CAPER

        Research has recently revealed that the adolescent and teenage brain are not fully developed.  They require a few more years of development to mature in the area of critical thinking. Of course, all they had to do was ask the parents of adolescents and teenagers and they would have heard a chorus of, "Well...Duh!" There are no shortage of examples in most households (I hope).  I have selected an example to which I fondly refer as "The Great Squirrel Caper." 

   

            It all started when my husband decided to relocate the burgeoning squirrel population in our back yard.  In one day these deceptive creatures occasionally stripped all of the fruit off of our ripening peach and plum trees, and I don't mind telling you we did not regard them as "cute". They had been known to chew holes into peoples attics, chew the insulation off of electrical wires, and cause house fires. We were daydreaming of ways to catapult them across town in a giant sling shot, or load them on a freight train bound for LasVegas. But before we could move them, we had to catch them.  
          Steve bought a cage-like trap in which to capture the squirrels.  This was to be step one. Based on my fifth amendment rights, I will not discuss steps two or three. But picture, if you will, my sons (ages 15 and 16) and several of their friends as they discovered two unrelated objects (at least they SHOULD be unrelated). First they encountered someone's discarded miniature dog harness.  The type of contraption one might see on a chihuahua. Then they spotted the trap with a squirrel inside of it.  Their warped little minds began to explore the possibilities! They could alter the size of the harness with duct tape (what can you NOT do with duct tape?) and they could take the squirrel for a walk! Of course! What could be more natural? Where might the best place be for this pet-walking exhibit? The Mall, of course!

          The boys now had their goal and they were determined to see it through! Stephen, the budding young videographer, gathered his equipment, including a fresh video tape in the camera so that he could document this historic activity.  Preston found a pair of his father's very heavy, protective, leather gloves to aid them in the actual harnessing process. The other boys altered the harness with the duct tape, and attached the small leash to it.  In an effort to cover all their bases, the boys wisely decided they needed to complete the process in a contained area. They certainly did not want to lose their squirrel. They settled on the stairwell leading down to the basement level of the house.  They closed the doors at the top of the stairs, the bedroom, the bathroom, and the door to the garage.  So IF the squirrel should get away, it couldn't get too far.  
          With great anticipation and barely contained excitement, the boys took their positions. One behind the camera, one getting ready to open the trap, one with protective gloves ready to reach into the cage, and the others ready to maneuver the harness onto the little critter's body. Not once did their little underdeveloped brains consider any possible danger...that is...not until they prepared to open the door of the cage. That was the moment that the young guys (practically in unison) began to entertain thoughts like "RABIES", "SHARP CLAWS", and "SHARP TEETH".  Slowly as the door opened and the squirrel clung tenaciously to its prison, a cloud of terror descended on the young adventurists.   

Preston had to peel the claws away from the cage in order to pull it out, all the time wondering if the two layers of leather work gloves would protect him from certain death! Stephen, who was suddenly aware of his own mortality forgot the camera on his shoulder as he looked frantically around the small space, planning his escape if the deadly animal were to get loose. All went well until the first attempt to harness the squirrel. To the shock of the young men, it leaped directly on the chest of one, then leap-frogged onto the wall.  As the panicked animal tried to scramble to the top of the wall, he resembled a Saturday morning cartoon where the Coyote runs in mid-air before realizing it and falls. Only this squirrel was not going to land on the floor without a fight. It leaped from stair step to wall, and back to stair step until it found it's way onto Kevin's shoulder. 
          With certain death staring right at him, Kevin turned himself around to face the animal straight on. Unfortunately, his little squirrel claws were embedded in Kevin's shirt and as Kevin turned, the little critter turned with him. For several minutes there was just a blur of movement as Kevin kept spinning around and around, certain that the monster on his shoulder was just about to attack.  The dizzy squirrel lost a little bit of his agility, and the boys were finally able to grab it once again.  
          This time, they carefully outfitted the squirrel in the harness, and clipped the retractable leash to it.  With great excitement and no small amount of relief, they took it outside for a practice "walk".  It took a few tentative steps in the garage and the boys knew that fame was within reach. All they had to do was get their new buddy to the mall for a stroll.  Just as they were dreaming of their success, the squirrel stopped, looked at them as if he had been waiting for this moment, and backed out of the leash. Never before or since has anyone seen a squirrel run as fast as this one did straight into the bushes and up a tree.

          If the researchers who made this amazing discovery about the teenage brain need any further evidence, we have a video....well, sort of.  The video doesn't actually show the squirrel, it scans drunkenly from side to side, then up and down, all the while broadcasting the high pitched squeals and screams of what sounds like a girls slumber party.  It is good for a laugh, as long as you close your eyes.  If you don't you will get dizzy.  Nevertheless, it is extremely reliable proof that the teenage brain lacks elements of critical thinking. I am very happy to report that both of these sons have brains that have fully developed now. They each had the good sense to marry godly and beautiful women. We are proud.  Let me assure you that if you can just survive those teenage years, the reward is great!